How did we get here?

So what brought us to this point, you ask? It was just over a year and a half ago that my husband and I decided the time was right for us to include a child in our family.  I was completely ignorant then of how challenging that decision would be to execute, and this is not where I thought the road would take us.  But one step at a time, and here we are.

A few months ago I joined a support group to alleviate that feeling of isolation that often comes with the silent battle.  Our small group had a variety of diagnoses, with even our therapist having faced her own fertility battle.  The four weeks of organized meetings came and went, but I have continued a relationship with two incredible women who inspire me with their strength and perseverance.  Our e-mails have provided a much needed community as the road got rough, and my husband and I made the difficult decision to change course.  The thoughts I shared with them as we closed the door on a twin pregnancy at 8 weeks was part of the inspiration for this blog.

It’s official, the pregnancy is over now.  It was a really difficult weekend for a lot of reasons.  Of course there was the news that both babies were gone.  But that was compounded by he fact that I still felt just as pregnant.  I was still super queezie all the time, exhausted, and couldn’t button any of my pants.  None of that went away just because the babies weren’t alive.  And I just wasn’t tolerant of feeling that way at all because there was no reason to.  I found myself refusing to wear the belly band and trying to force my pants to button, leaving me really uncomfortable, but I felt like that’s what I should do, there’s no reason for me to be fat any more.  I was still pregnant, but without any of the hope and excitement, and that was almost as bad as the loss its self.
I thought I wanted to miscarry naturally, but feeling the way I was I asked for a D&C.  I was worried about that too, but I just had to get it over with.  We went in yesterday, and I’m so glad I did.  I didn’t feel a thing, and they had the blood cleaned away by the time I sat up.  So now the pregnancy is officially over, and we can start to actually move on.
What’s so cruel about this whole thing is both my husband and I had completely come to terms with not having biological children.  We were ready for this cycle not to work and to move on to adoption.  But getting pregnant, and seeing such strong doubling beta numbers, had gotten us excited.  Waiting three weeks for that first ultrasound had given us just long enough to start dreaming.  So now I feel like we’re not just mourning the loss of this pregnancy and these babies, but also having to come to terms yet again with the fact that natural babies may not be in the cards for us.  I’m more upset right now when I remind myself that I won’t get to carry a pregnancy to term.  I won’t get the excited baby shower, the nesting, the anticipation with friends and family.  I know we’ll have some of that with adoption, but the uncertainty of a birth mother changing her mind means you can’t have those things in the same way.
I’m sure we’re making the right choice to move on.  It’s just a numbers game, the more we try the better our odds.  But with two embryos left, and no risk to waiting (my age won’t play a part any more since we already have my eggs) it seems like the right choice.  Maybe in a few years when we’re thinking about baby #2 there will be more research and we’ll have better luck.  Or maybe there won’t be, and it won’t work then either.  But regardless, I can’t do this any more right now.
So on Monday I turned in our adoption application.   No more pills, no more shots, no more doctors appointments, no more treatments.  It’s a little exiting to have my life back from all that.  It’s certainly not the life I though I’d get on the other side of it all, but at least our infertility saga is over for now.
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